I'm likely at least halfway through my life. With that in mind, here's a somewhat random series of thoughts about what I've learned.
I've been thinking about turning 40 for some time now... I can't say I'm dreading it, and I can't say I'm looking forward to it (though I am looking forward to seeing my family for a late celebration the following week).
I can say that 40 shouldn't matter more than any other birthday, though the whole round number/closing of a 4th decade/roughly halfway through life business helps it feel less arbitrary than other birthdays. I mean, who has a reckoning at 34, or 26, or 43 which isn't prompted by some external set of conditions?
No, I feel something different this time around, and it's not something I've ever really felt before.
Urgency and Legacy, to be precise.
With that in mind, here's some thoughts on turning 40.
If there's one thing I'm more conscious of now than I've ever been before, it's that when I compare myself to the accumulation of human wisdom (or folly, if you prefer) and the vastness of our world, universe, and time itself, it's that I really don't know a damn thing.
Seriously. I don't have the first clue about anything.
Yes, it has taken me at least half my life (if not more) to reach such an obvious conclusion.
Some have suggested that it's the beginning of wisdom. Others have suggested it's a much needed dose of humility. Maybe both, or neither, and I guess it doesn't really matter. Wisdom and humility are always in short supply. I welcome them as running mates to replace hubris and arrogance.
I think more than anything, I really want to be valued when I speak. Honestly, there's only a few ways to do this and here's my list going forward for how to be a bit smarter and wiser when engaging with others...
I don't care what my wife and kids might say. Maybe they think I'm wonderful. Maybe they think I'm terrible. I know the truth. I've been neither overall, but sometimes both in the same day.
The truth is that when I became a (step)parent, I was in my late 20s and way less mature and patient than I'd ever care to admit. Quick to anger, unwilling to listen, and damn sure not willing to admit when I'd made mistakes.
In essence, I was "parent as autocrat," and I hate the hypocrisy I showed to my kids while they were growing up - stressing the importance of thinking, listening, remaining patient and checking your ego while not actually modeling it very often. Thankfully my kids are resilient as all hell and seem to have grown into intelligent, interesting, compassionate humans, in spite of my mistakes.
I can't stress this enough - I wish I had so many of these days back. Especially now that my kids are teens. Only now that I've chilled the hell out over the last few years have I truly been able to appreciate how awesome my kids really are.
My oldest has been asking the adults in the house to teach her how to cook. My youngest loves movies, and loves being able to see R-rated movies.
Within the past 12 months alone, he got to see Snowden, Alien: Covenant, It, and Terminator 2: Judgement Day. How fucking cool is that?
On Wednesday night, I came home to hand-breaded fried chicken breast, corn, peas, and mashed potatoes from my oldest! How fucking cool is that?
They both enjoy going to baseball games. How fucking cool is that?
Two days after Christmas, we'll all be hiking around Zion National Park. How fucking cool is that?
I can't stress this enough, to everyone who is a parent, about to be a parent, or thinking about being a parent: Soak it all in and try to find the positive in even the most difficult moments. You only get one chance.
The frustrations are legion, but the rewards are infinite and inimitable.
I figure I've only got one or two more of these runs left, so if I have to do this, I have to make it last. I've been successful twice in life at losing substantial weight. In 2004, I went from 220 to 175 lbs. In 2013, I went from 225 to 187 lbs.
In retrospect, the single best thing about being a teen was the utter abuse you could put your body through and not feel the next day. Get drunk last night, no hangover the next morning. Play football for hours with your friends, don't hardly feel it the next day. Eat a Costco size box of Cheez-Its, a whole Tombstone Pepperoni Pizza, and kill a 2 liter of Coke in the same day while watching football and movies and it doesn't stick to your body at all.
Thems days is long gone, folks.
Now, hangovers last all fucking weekend long.
Throw a football for 30 minutes, you can't lift your arm for a week afterwords.
Not only will a small box of Cheez-Its, 1/3rd of a Tombstone Pizza, and 1 liter of Coke go straight to your fat rolls, they'll somehow make you both constipated and still flush out like lava.
Early death among men runs on both sides of the family. Both of my grandfathers passed away in their 60's - one of them as a result of complications from diabetes. My father died of a heart attack when I was 23 years old. For those reasons alone, I think it's smart to assume I'm on borrowed time unless I get my shit together.
With that in mind... I started running last month. I've also started watching my eating again.
As of today, I will have lost over 10 lbs since I started working at it. I'm also now at the point where I can run 6 miles in 64 minutes.
Hopefully, I'll manage to drop another 20-25 lbs over the next few months. And then, maybe, I'll finally be smart enough to never have to do this again.
Considering I met my wife after the kids were born, she and I never had the chance to be a couple on our own without the kids. Instead of getting our late teens and early twenties together, we'll have to make our forties, fifties, and sixties do the heavy lifting.
I'll also be damned if my kids have grandchildren that I'm not around to spoil.
To my wife Amanda, I simply can't imagine a better partner for the last 12+ years and don't care to imagine a better partner for what lies ahead. You are the best. All I ever wanted was someone worthy of sharing my life's journey, and you make me wonder whether I'm worthy of sharing yours. Thank you for your love and support, and I'm sincerely sorry if I've ever let you down in any way. You are my North Star, and you are Home.
To my kids Alyssa and Luke. I love you both more than you can imagine. I'm sorry for all the ways I've been impatient and unyielding. I'm also grateful for all the little ways you make my life richer, from rides around town, going to the movies, your weird music tastes, your bad jokes, and the genuine faith you've shown me even when I probably didn't deserve it.
To my Mother. I simply can't imagine what you had to sacrifice. I'm not sure I was worth all of it, but do know I love you and am eternally grateful for all of it.
To my Grandmother, who was forced to hit the reset button when I came to San Diego in 1978, you were the best Grandmother anyone could ask for. I can't believe this year that I'm finally older than you are 😊.
To all my family - you're just the best. There's too many to name, and if I listed something for everyone, we'd be here all day and this is already tl;dr. Nothing makes me happier than the handfuls of occasions when we're all able to get together and see each other. I miss the old days, and I miss not having enough new days where we can all enjoy each other's company as adults. I'm also sorry for all the times I hurt your feelings or acted like a colossal dick for selfish or petty purposes.
To my friends - thanks for all of the laughs, thanks for making me smarter, and thanks for indulging my idiocies over the years. I'm sorry for any cheap shots or snide remarks which ever hurt any of you. Special thanks to Matt, Eric, and Calvin... you three were always there for me in the darkest hours, and I might not have made it this far without you.
If I've ever known you, and even if it didn't end well, please know that I at least learned something from our time together and in some way you helped me become a better person - regardless of whether your intent was benign or malicious.
Hopefully this isn't a midpoint or past-midpoint accounting. If nothing else, I'm at least hoping Ray Kurzweil is right about the Singularity and I live long enough to see it.
Short of that, there's so much left to accomplish, and because times flies as you get older, it feels like there's little-to-no time left.
But, with a terrific partner at my side, a full heart, and the beginnings of wisdom, I go into OLD with a smile on my face and my eyes wide open. So much to see, so much to do.
To paraphrase and modify the ending of Star Trek: The Motion Picture...
"My adventure is just beginning."
I've been thinking about turning 40 for some time now... I can't say I'm dreading it, and I can't say I'm looking forward to it (though I am looking forward to seeing my family for a late celebration the following week).
I can say that 40 shouldn't matter more than any other birthday, though the whole round number/closing of a 4th decade/roughly halfway through life business helps it feel less arbitrary than other birthdays. I mean, who has a reckoning at 34, or 26, or 43 which isn't prompted by some external set of conditions?
No, I feel something different this time around, and it's not something I've ever really felt before.
Urgency and Legacy, to be precise.
With that in mind, here's some thoughts on turning 40.
Wisdom, or Lack Thereof
If there's one thing I'm more conscious of now than I've ever been before, it's that when I compare myself to the accumulation of human wisdom (or folly, if you prefer) and the vastness of our world, universe, and time itself, it's that I really don't know a damn thing.
Seriously. I don't have the first clue about anything.
Yes, it has taken me at least half my life (if not more) to reach such an obvious conclusion.
Some have suggested that it's the beginning of wisdom. Others have suggested it's a much needed dose of humility. Maybe both, or neither, and I guess it doesn't really matter. Wisdom and humility are always in short supply. I welcome them as running mates to replace hubris and arrogance.
I think more than anything, I really want to be valued when I speak. Honestly, there's only a few ways to do this and here's my list going forward for how to be a bit smarter and wiser when engaging with others...
- Avoid people who act in bad faith.
- Don't pick fights, but finish one if it's brought to you.
- Look for context and perspective. It's the difference between information and knowledge.
- Be sincere. Mean what you say and say what you mean.
- Own everything you say and do, doubly so when you're wrong.
- Speak less and listen more.
- Call things by their right name - avoid euphemisms and genteelism whenever possible.
- Face things head on, especially when you know it's going to hurt.
- Never commit to anyone/thing which has proven they'll hurt you to get what they want.
- Form follows function - they way something looks often indicates its intended purpose.
On Kids
I don't care what my wife and kids might say. Maybe they think I'm wonderful. Maybe they think I'm terrible. I know the truth. I've been neither overall, but sometimes both in the same day.
The truth is that when I became a (step)parent, I was in my late 20s and way less mature and patient than I'd ever care to admit. Quick to anger, unwilling to listen, and damn sure not willing to admit when I'd made mistakes.
In essence, I was "parent as autocrat," and I hate the hypocrisy I showed to my kids while they were growing up - stressing the importance of thinking, listening, remaining patient and checking your ego while not actually modeling it very often. Thankfully my kids are resilient as all hell and seem to have grown into intelligent, interesting, compassionate humans, in spite of my mistakes.
I can't stress this enough - I wish I had so many of these days back. Especially now that my kids are teens. Only now that I've chilled the hell out over the last few years have I truly been able to appreciate how awesome my kids really are.
My oldest has been asking the adults in the house to teach her how to cook. My youngest loves movies, and loves being able to see R-rated movies.
Within the past 12 months alone, he got to see Snowden, Alien: Covenant, It, and Terminator 2: Judgement Day. How fucking cool is that?
On Wednesday night, I came home to hand-breaded fried chicken breast, corn, peas, and mashed potatoes from my oldest! How fucking cool is that?
They both enjoy going to baseball games. How fucking cool is that?
Two days after Christmas, we'll all be hiking around Zion National Park. How fucking cool is that?
I can't stress this enough, to everyone who is a parent, about to be a parent, or thinking about being a parent: Soak it all in and try to find the positive in even the most difficult moments. You only get one chance.
The frustrations are legion, but the rewards are infinite and inimitable.
You Can't Be Better Unless Everything is Better
I figure I've only got one or two more of these runs left, so if I have to do this, I have to make it last. I've been successful twice in life at losing substantial weight. In 2004, I went from 220 to 175 lbs. In 2013, I went from 225 to 187 lbs.
In retrospect, the single best thing about being a teen was the utter abuse you could put your body through and not feel the next day. Get drunk last night, no hangover the next morning. Play football for hours with your friends, don't hardly feel it the next day. Eat a Costco size box of Cheez-Its, a whole Tombstone Pepperoni Pizza, and kill a 2 liter of Coke in the same day while watching football and movies and it doesn't stick to your body at all.
Thems days is long gone, folks.
Now, hangovers last all fucking weekend long.
Throw a football for 30 minutes, you can't lift your arm for a week afterwords.
Not only will a small box of Cheez-Its, 1/3rd of a Tombstone Pizza, and 1 liter of Coke go straight to your fat rolls, they'll somehow make you both constipated and still flush out like lava.
Early death among men runs on both sides of the family. Both of my grandfathers passed away in their 60's - one of them as a result of complications from diabetes. My father died of a heart attack when I was 23 years old. For those reasons alone, I think it's smart to assume I'm on borrowed time unless I get my shit together.
With that in mind... I started running last month. I've also started watching my eating again.
As of today, I will have lost over 10 lbs since I started working at it. I'm also now at the point where I can run 6 miles in 64 minutes.
Hopefully, I'll manage to drop another 20-25 lbs over the next few months. And then, maybe, I'll finally be smart enough to never have to do this again.
Considering I met my wife after the kids were born, she and I never had the chance to be a couple on our own without the kids. Instead of getting our late teens and early twenties together, we'll have to make our forties, fifties, and sixties do the heavy lifting.
I'll also be damned if my kids have grandchildren that I'm not around to spoil.
Thanks and Apologies
To my wife Amanda, I simply can't imagine a better partner for the last 12+ years and don't care to imagine a better partner for what lies ahead. You are the best. All I ever wanted was someone worthy of sharing my life's journey, and you make me wonder whether I'm worthy of sharing yours. Thank you for your love and support, and I'm sincerely sorry if I've ever let you down in any way. You are my North Star, and you are Home.
To my kids Alyssa and Luke. I love you both more than you can imagine. I'm sorry for all the ways I've been impatient and unyielding. I'm also grateful for all the little ways you make my life richer, from rides around town, going to the movies, your weird music tastes, your bad jokes, and the genuine faith you've shown me even when I probably didn't deserve it.
To my Mother. I simply can't imagine what you had to sacrifice. I'm not sure I was worth all of it, but do know I love you and am eternally grateful for all of it.
To my Grandmother, who was forced to hit the reset button when I came to San Diego in 1978, you were the best Grandmother anyone could ask for. I can't believe this year that I'm finally older than you are 😊.
To all my family - you're just the best. There's too many to name, and if I listed something for everyone, we'd be here all day and this is already tl;dr. Nothing makes me happier than the handfuls of occasions when we're all able to get together and see each other. I miss the old days, and I miss not having enough new days where we can all enjoy each other's company as adults. I'm also sorry for all the times I hurt your feelings or acted like a colossal dick for selfish or petty purposes.
To my friends - thanks for all of the laughs, thanks for making me smarter, and thanks for indulging my idiocies over the years. I'm sorry for any cheap shots or snide remarks which ever hurt any of you. Special thanks to Matt, Eric, and Calvin... you three were always there for me in the darkest hours, and I might not have made it this far without you.
If I've ever known you, and even if it didn't end well, please know that I at least learned something from our time together and in some way you helped me become a better person - regardless of whether your intent was benign or malicious.
In Closing
Hopefully this isn't a midpoint or past-midpoint accounting. If nothing else, I'm at least hoping Ray Kurzweil is right about the Singularity and I live long enough to see it.
Short of that, there's so much left to accomplish, and because times flies as you get older, it feels like there's little-to-no time left.
But, with a terrific partner at my side, a full heart, and the beginnings of wisdom, I go into OLD with a smile on my face and my eyes wide open. So much to see, so much to do.
To paraphrase and modify the ending of Star Trek: The Motion Picture...
"My adventure is just beginning."
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